Life is Overwhelming.
It’s not a secret that I’ve been pretty absent from this platform for months now, and that my presence on my other main platform, Instagram, is spotty at best. I know that no one likes to hear the whole “Life Update: Where Did I Go?” type of spiel, but I honestly believe mine can be helpful to others in the fact that just because I’m an “influencer” and put some of my life online (mainly the happiest parts), doesn’t mean everything is okay. I’ve had a rough beginning to this year, despite me trying to turn my life and my attitude around. For at least the past month, I’ve been trying to act like everything is under control and that things will be fine – but today I realized that not everything is okay. It’s all just been building up on top of me, and it manifested in me having a mental breakdown over not being able to say the Italian word “elettricista” no matter how many times I consulted Google Translate. So here it is – all the reasons I’ve been less than motivated to do anything lately, including the things I enjoy most.
My mental health has been literal trash. I’m doing pretty much everything I’ve ever been told to do to battle the onslaught of mental health issues I have: taking my vitamins and eating/drinking lots of protein, journaling, working out, reading my bible. None of them are particularly helping. I’ve completely chewed my nails off. After getting acrylics to stop my nail biting and discontinuing that part of my self-care regimen because it was a) very costly and b) making my natural nails very brittle, I hadn’t really been biting them and they started to grow longer and stronger. Almost a whole year’s worth of progress on my nails is wiped away, and they feel so short and nubby and ugly.
Which segues perfectly into my next point: I feel ugly 99.9% of the time. The pictures you see of me all glammed up on Instagram? That’s the .1% of the time I feel good enough to take pictures and shoot for my blog or my Instagram page. Otherwise, my skin is a nightmare. I have acne/breakouts all around my mouth, either due to my birth control or the hair, skin, and nail vitamins I’ve been taking. Sure, it’s not as bad as the acne on other people, but as a girl who never had any issues with her skin, it’s destroying any semblance of confidence I thought I had. Especially when, family, friends, and even random people who just pop in and out of your job seem to constantly need to comment on it. I would love to use makeup to cover some of the discoloration and hyperpigmentation, but I have to be to work by eight-thirty in the morning, and my morning routine already consists of waking up at five a.m. to get my daily workout in, come back home, shower, make breakfast, and try to make my room seem somewhat presentable to live in.
I also feel ugly because of my hair – I’m so freaking tired of having short, broken, ugly hair. I bought wigs so I could cover it up and try to feel more confident. Unfortunately, I now feel the most confident with that artificial hair. Meaning I don’t exactly feel comfortable with my “God-given beauty.”
No matter how much I work out, I almost feel as though it’s never enough. If it weren’t for the time restrictions I have with taking three summer classes and working, I’d probably go to the gym for hours on end. I noticed that I’ve lost fifteen pounds since last October – quite a feat considering how much of a plateau I’d been in around that time. I should see that as an accomplishment, but when I look in the mirror, all I see are the bundles of fat still attached to my body. That pushes me in one of two directions. I either become militant, counting every single calorie that goes in my body and forcing myself to eat nothing but salads and low-fat meals, or I become a binging mess and think “f*ck it, the fat is there so I might as well enjoy fries, ice cream, pizza, cheese, brownies, chips, and everything else that is bad for my health.” Last night, I had every intention of waking up this morning and going for a light workout at the gym. After a failed attempt at intimacy with my boyfriend this morning, all I’ve done is scrolled on my phone while eating half a gallon of ice cream with chocolate chips, veggie straws dipped in ranch dip, and veggie buffalo wings with waffle fries.
Speaking of sexuality and intimacy, let’s talk about how I got slut-shamed by one of the faculty members who works in an office next to the one I work in! The whole story is a hoot! I was opening up the office by myself a few weeks ago, and (even though we weren’t yet officially open), in walks who we’ll call Ms.F. Without even saying good morning, how are you doing, or literally anything, she proceeds to say, “I’m not saying it would be right, but if you were to get raped, you were asking for it.”
To which I proceeded to tell her off about how rape and sexual assault have nothing to do with the victim and everything to do with the aggressor, and this woman had the nerve, instead of apologizing for her inappropriate, thoughtless, and insensitive comment, to say, “You’re trying to mix up what I said; I didn’t say it would be right.”
To which I continued to tell her off until she left. I called Kaylah, and she came to the school to talk about it. I wanted to talk to my boyfriend about it, but when I brought it up, he said I should’ve just said “okay” and walked away from the situation because “old people are stuck in their ways.” I told him that sometimes I just need to vent and be consoled, not hit with justifications for peoples’ actions. He’s been pretty understanding on that point since then, which is nice. When I talked to my mom about it, she almost agreed with the woman but in different words. She pretty much said I should be dressing as if my future husband was in the room. I blew up on her too – my sexual assaults were while I was in sweaters and jeans, and fuzzy pajama pants. Her response? I needed to “get over it.” I’m just supposed to get over one of the most life-altering events of my young life. To this day, I still haven’t received an apology for that statement, but I’m not surprised. Remember the meme on Twitter that said, “Black family members don’t say sorry, they just act like nothing happened and invite you to go food shopping with them”? That sums my family up to a tee.
In addition to all that, I’m having a lot of problems financially. Gas and groceries keep getting more expensive, rent where I live is over $700 a month (which, unfortunately, is actually kinda cheap for around this area), and my financial aid money that I used for rent is running out. I’ve been applying to places to get a second job, but it seems as though places around here aren’t desperate enough to hire a college student or don’t want to work around a college student’s schedule.
This post isn’t really even scratching the surface of everything I’ve been dealing with – but I honestly just wanted to vent, explain, and show that the “perfect” life, “body goals,” and anything else a lot of people think about bloggers and IG personalities aren’t necessarily what they appear to be. And even if those bloggers aren’t going to live their truth and show others that life gets hard, I’ll be the one to bring reality back to blogging.
Write you little lovelies later,
XO Ky M.