This isn’t originally the content that was supposed to go up on my blog today. I wanted to post a “How to be a Good Roommate” blog, but it just wasn’t on my heart to do.
As I write this, I’m going into my senior year of college, and while I may look like I have it all together on my Instagram, Twitter, and YouTube, I’m absolutely shitting my pants. As I’ve mentioned here on my blog many times before, I’m not where I need to be financially. I’m working on it, but it’s difficult. It seems as though something comes up every time I’m on my way back to building my savings up. I have to find a way to pay for my books, but my credit card is nearing its limit considering I had to charge my rent on it, and since I’m on Federal Work Study, I haven’t been able to work the past few weeks. I won’t get a paycheck until the 31st of this month. Financial aid doesn’t disperse until the 21st. The only thing holding me together is that I’m going to see Beyoncé with my family on the 25th - a much needed break from everything going on.
I’m taking four upper-level accounting courses this fall and have to worry about obtaining an internship for the spring semester. My career coach reassured me I’d get interest from public firms, but with how awkward I am in person and my ongoing battle with anxiety, I’m afraid I’ll mess everything up. In addition to those courses, I have to honors contract one of them, meaning an even heavier course load. I also have to construct my honors capstone thesis, and then the actual project. I don’t even have an idea on what topic I should research.
The worst is that I’m going into all this without my best friend. My boyfriend has a lot going on in his life as well, and we made the decision to take a break from our relationship, so we could both get ourselves together. He said he loves me and that he’s coming back once things are better – but the pessimist (or maybe more so realist) side of me knows that could never happen. I know if we’re meant to be together, we’ll find our way back to each other, but this hurts more than anything. In our one-and-a-half-year relationship, the longest we’d ever gone without seeing each other is three weeks, and we talked nearly every day. He promises to text every day and to keep me updated on how things are going with him, but it hurts trying to be “just friends” with your first love. I used to think “right person, wrong timing” was a stupid concept, but now I understand how you and another person could love each other greatly and still need to be apart.
The hardest part of this ordeal is seeing traces of him around my apartment – his toothbrush, a polaroid of us, the roses and card he gave me for my birthday. And the pity I’m getting and will receive from others. Having to explain to the coworkers he and I both used to work with and I still do work with that we’re not together right now. The uncertainty of if and when that would change. It could be in three weeks, or, as I said before, never.
This is hard. All of this uncertainty is untrodden territory for me. I’m usually so sure of my decisions and have things planned out the way I’d like them to go, but not this time. This is scary.
XO Ky M.
P.S. I don’t know if you even read my blog, but I hope you know I love you, that won’t change, and I’m here whenever you need me.